My blog on life ups and downs and being sober

Time for a change

I've decided at the ripe old age of 45 I need to take stock of my life, im depressed, thinking how life would be if wasnt here. Drinking to much, suffering with anxiety,  always worried about the kids, cant handle arguments i get the flight mode to want to run. My brother is an addict and sad to see how his life is going. I feel a rubbish mum, the older ones never bother with me and always being told I'm rubbish mum in arguments when all I've ever done is tried my best.

Anyway the 12th of May I decided to two big changes, come off Facebook and give up drinking, I've already rejoined weightwatchers.  Always different its lockdown and I decide now come off social media, give up drinking and lose weight. 

Something has got to give, im fed  up of feeling rubbish, fed up with the constant bad head, the anxiety,  the blackouts, the stupid things say and do . I can't just have a glass of wine and even though I'm not an alcoholic I know it could easy go that way, i also know im drinking way to much then I should here goes delete button off fb for at least a month while I work on myself, I will go on my fb ww one as thats full of positive people

                Day 1

Well I've drank loads over the few days so while I'm at work I decide to delete fb only temporarily but need to and then set up a little app to go on to count my days of no drinking. I love things like that, silly I know at my age. First few days I feel OK as still have that horrible feeling of stress and anxiety after a lot of booze so findind it easy.

                   Day 6

I knew today was going to be hard, for as long back as I can remember ive always had a monday night drink, after work, before my long shift on Tuesday. Before weigh day have a drink as will dehydrate me....( mad aint it, how the mind thinks) or mine anyway.  What makes worse i have a row with my brother so i already wrestle now that i deserve a drink im stressed, Anyway I decided will have to shift my routine about, so get some becks blue, I finish work and i go run a bath, I lay down to relax and put on the naked mind podcast, shes very good and really makes you understand how the alcohol effects us . I get out feeling proud and relaxed then get a call off my brothers phone, hes been attacked with two bricks. I go down to him call an ambulance I am really thinking i need a drink but then I say no, whats it going to change? Thats still happened, if anyone comes to my house if my drunk I will be in no fit state to protect my loved ones. So although all night stressed, I had 2 becks blue and went to to say when I woke up I was so proud .

Next challange is wed 20th May,  hubby is off normally after my long shift and if he off, we have a drink watch our rubbish on telly i fall asleep/ pass out till about 4 in the morning , we don't get enough quality time together, i wonder why we don't enjoy each other more sober.  Anyway weds came. He wasn't going to have a drink but I told him he could as not fair he hardly as time off and as long as dont get off his face I don't mind , so he had a few beers I had a few becks blue and we had a nice night together, another challange ticked off.

I look on my daily littke pledge from the app and my days and hours ticking up and im feeling proud .

               Big challange, daughters birthday,  a bbq a social distance guest.

Well I got stuff to make mocktails and some becks blue, we had a bbq and some was drinking and some wasnt but oh my god I wasnt boring like I thought I would be, I never laughed as much as I did today, my jaw ached, my belly ached, i snorted like a piggy and was crying with laughter, i never had no blackouts, never woke up with that feeling of dread if me and hubby fell out, did i argue with anyone, did i do anything stupid, nope I played with my grandaughter i loved , stayed within my points on weightwatchers,  i dropped my daughter off to the station , ive never able do that in the passed as was my time, I deserved to get drunk. I dropped the other lot of to their nans and I woke up with my day pledge waiting and my day 13 still in tact, I woke up for work as fresh as a daisy, went to work not holding my breath and ducking to get pass my collouge  so can't smell the stale booze, ideal fantastic......

                    Day 14

An amazing work, as above feel great. Then get a call off one of the older ones giving me abuse as had ants in the house, im at work nothing i can do, he only had to put ant powder down but instead I get the house is a shit hole, maybe if cleaned it wouldn't be a problem, he can't wait till he  moves out so dont have to see me, even geg tarnished with being like his dad , I might as well of been as always getting treated like crap when all I do is my best. Have gave the daughter a nice birthday party and still im rubbish. It puts me in that mood to think sod it, its Monday. Soap night and told im rubbish so why not drink? But once again I thought no whats it going to solve? Just make me feel more rubbish, so I had my podcast on and listened to naked mind and then had a few becks blue, ive also been reading a lepers that changes its spots you must read it, even though I don't have a problem like that i see how easy it can take over your life x

                  Day 17

Well the last few days have been strange, I feel really low, I keep thinking back to my childhood,  not like any major things but just people who was in my life growing up, my mum and dad breaking up. Maybe thats why I've been drinking to block stuff out, i had a few days where was wanting a drink but i stuck it out. I want to be the best version of me. I done the social event and found i was laughing more, wasn't slurring words etc so why would I want to sit in the house on my own drinking?thing is so many people are saying once the lock down is over from covid 19 and bars are opened their worried they will slip....mine is different as I like drinking at home. I felt like I was an OK mum i done all the things needed, wouldnt start drinking till 8pm , but i still woke up on the sofa after passing out.

Today I went on a walk and picnic with my brother and kids and at the table next to us there was a family, the kids was running round and the mum took a call, she had a bottle of wine on the table and I heard her saying she was having a wine, then she said no im not shit faced im sharing it, but im not sure if she was, the hubby was it seemed to be drinking lucozade,  then i thought I wonder if he was as bet he was driving,  the picnic bag looked big and was in the country. Im not judging her, im lucky as never drank really in the day, but been reading sober diaries and got to say some of it reminded me of her.

My positives for not drinking:

Less puffy eyes and face 

Sleeping better

More patience

And my anxiety levels have all but gone

My depression seems to of lifted

I don't start shaking the minute an argument is going on

I feel a nicer person

Less bloated 

Am bit disappointed as doing weightwatchers and thought not drinking the weight will drop off but lost more while drinking which is strange .

                 31st May almost day 19

Well I had a scare in the night, the police knocked asking if I was joes sister, he had been attacked again. I came down said that I had seen him earlier but that was it, i went to bed quite shaken as thought they had come to tell me he was dead. I think how lucky I am that I could see i was drinking way to much and needed to change or whats to say his lifestyle woukdnt be me, any addiction is bad. Anyway i get up older son decides to fall out with me, obviously in a bad mood and cos cant get the harness on the dog im a wank mum, scum etc. I made him a nice breakfast smoothie and he asked if I could do washing which I done straight away but nope I'm a shit mum. He wakes hubby up whose on nights by banging doors saying he's moving out. Hubby starts shouting. Cant blame him really he has just done 12 hour shift and back tonight. Fair enough if little ones but they are quiet and it's the almost 21 year old. Anyway i can feel my anxiety levels rising something not done for a bit, so I take the dog over the park, soon as he goes out we go the country park picking my brothef up along the way.

Have a few more abusive text and calls then i come home , me and hubby go shopping i remember yesterday me and the 21 year old falling out over my brother telling me I shouldn't waste time as hes scum but as I say he likes a spliff whats one drug different to the then he says im trying to argue and how im an alcoholic i say ive not drank for almost 3 weeks so think I'm ok then i get oh that's why argumentative?, 

Anyway back to shopping I pass all the booze and to be honest im not tempted not going to let a bad day change anything on my sober site the motivation said some days are brutel but just know a slip aint going to make it better...if ever I needed that quote its today, I don't know ehy my 2 older boys feel the need to hate me i really wasnt that much of a bad mum 

4th June

Well ive done over 3 weeks, Tuesday I was batteling with myself about having a drink on saturday when its my daughters 8th birthday but then sat and thought.....why would i? I had a good laugh the other week at bbq , why on my daughters 8th birthday is it acceptable to get drunk, no doubt act a dick no doubt fall asleep and what thats a memory my daughter will have for her 8th birthday.  Im feeling lot more confident about it, the talk to self does us good, everyone is saying how great I look. Ive joined weightwatchers and they have put loads in place for your mental well being as well. Ive lost 10.5lb, my face looks so much better.

             4th June today

Well today I feel really proud looking over last few days, ive finally got that burst of energy that others go on about!! Last few days ive done the out house and sorted all the shoes out, i done sll my ironing, i sorted my daughters clothes out and my own, ive startes having nice soaks in the bath,  i use to think i preferred showers but subconscious i think I had shower to be quick to get settled for really glad ive had a break. Ideally I'd love to able to socially drink when go out or away and never drink in the house but i will see, im taking a day at a time and feeling good x

6th june

My little girls 8th birthday  and felt really positive. We paid for a buffett for her and had some people round. Never even had a becks blue, i had a can of fanta and cup of tea, ate healthy and felt on top of the world, feeling pretty smug on how well I'm 25 of no drinking:-)

               Day 26

Well day time I felt good but night time. the craving hit me i so wanted a wine, hubby was off and it just hit me that I missed wine, I missed getting tipsy with the hubby, miss that noise of pouring the wine into the glass, the first taste...lucky as was a Sunday was pretty late to get one as sainsbury's was closed, i also spoke to my mate and she said remember how good you look, how good you I got a becks blue and the craving subsided...just goes yo show when think you got it in the bag it comes and bites you on the bum.

                 8th June 2020

So glad i didn't have a drink, no coming to work hungover,  no stinking of booze and no feeling rubbish that didn't even do a month  

8th June night I didn't do as well. I just felt like i was missing out, felt gutted was not having a drink with the hubby and soap night so got hubby get some wine!!. Had a bottle and a half and a can of beer once again i just dont  know when to stop.

              13th June

Got to say after waking up Tuesday i did look rough, felt tired at work and wondered was it worth it, but come weds and Thursday the craving was  there fresh again in my mind. All back to the start again. Weds and Thursday I had becks blue. Friday I had a hot chocolate but still wanted a wine. Im quite glad tonight im on 24 hour shift. Got to say I'm still deciding if I want to give up permently or drink Mondays and ine night when hubby off,  we will see defo feel so much better for not drinking and i wonder why it does like a bsd relationship keep dragging you back, remembering the good times, the nice relaxing feelings, the laughs. Why do we forget the shame. The drunken behaviour , the falling asleep, becoming not a nice person, the black outs ?  Well ive carried on drinking its the 20th now 

Time for a change

I'm almost 46 feeling frumpy and drinking way to much , need get control of my life